Message from the Directors

December 2007

"Love...Thyself"

By John Gadd

We read the following in Matthew:

"Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets" (Matthew 22:37-40).

Let's break this down for a moment:

"On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets." To me, this means that the entire gospel is grounded, or rooted in a) Loving God, and b) Loving thy neighbor as thyself.

Since most people don't have any great difficulty understanding that 1st commandment, let's consider the 2nd great commandment for a moment: "Love thy neighbour as thyself." Many people focus on the "loving thy neighbor" part, but seem to miss the prerequisite commandment: "as thyself." "Love thy neighbor," as you "love thyself" first. Think about it, the second great commandment is actually to develop a healthy sense of self-love first—then, with that love, bless the lives of others.

On certain days each month I work as a flight attendant based at JFK International Airport in New York City. During the informational safety video required for every flight we explain to the passengers that in the event of a rapid decompression it is imperative that parents put the oxygen mask on themselves first, before rescuing their children. This is counter-intuitive to most parents, because the natural reaction is to safeguard one's children first. But consider this: An adult can easily put the mask on an unconscious child, but a child probably cannot help an unconscious adult. Likewise, a person can only help someone else when he or she is first in a stable and balanced place. So to me it only makes sense that we must learn to love ourselves first, before we can love anyone else. Much of the plan of happiness is rooted in creating a healthy sense of self respect, self worth, self love. As Whitney Houston sings "learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all" (Quincy Jones, "The Greatest Love of All").

Unfortunately, for many of us, developing a healthy sense of self-worth has been challenging, in part because of some cultural attitudes and beliefs among some Latter-day Saints. Many of us have experienced the pangs of hurt from well-meaning friends and family who ask: "So when are you going to finally settle down and get married? Isn't it about time?" Or perhaps we've sat in classrooms where we heard it said: "... any male who is still single at the age of 26 is a menace to society." Or, "I'd rather my child be dead than be gay." Or, "the only sin worse than being gay is being a murderer." The religious culture in which much of our self-identity has developed is comprised largely of kind-hearted, empathic, well-intended, beautiful people who mean no harm. But many times offense is taken, whether or not it is justified. And when individuals are made to feel that they might not "fit in," or aren't capable of "measuring up," they sometimes choose to leave the safety of the Church—or the family—as an alternative to feeling like second-class citizens.

Individuals dealing with same-gender attraction oftentimes look for validation, acceptance, tolerance, and love in places like chat rooms, local clubs, or circuit parties. Unfortunately, these venues all too frequently lead to issues of alcohol and drug dependency, as well as pornography and behavioral addictions, and initiate vicious cycles of consumption that can drag them even lower. Sometimes we search for acceptance and love in long-term sexual relationships ("LTRs"). But as time wears on, more and more of these once-monogamous relationships take on an "open" status, which may contribute to issues of jealousy and insecurity within the relationship. And still other times many of us choose to remain completely private and alone with our feelings. We don't tell our friends or families, preferring to say that "it's nobody else's business." This strategy, however, can foster deep resentment, anger, and bitterness—and without a healthy outlet the temptation is heightened to act out privately, or in secret.

So what are people like us to do if and when we reach a point in life where we desire to live the gospel principles, yet we cannot deny what we feel deep inside? And what happens when we realize, in a twist of cruel irony, that we may not receive the support and acceptance we crave from either our church, our families, or the gay community? I would propose that Nephi, believe it or not, has the answer to this conundrum.

In 2 Nephi chapter 10 verses 23-24 we read:

"Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves, to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved" (2 Nephi 10:23-24)

Let's break this down and see how it might apply to Latter-day Saints dealing with same-gender attraction.

"Therefore, cheer up your hearts..." Right off the bat Nephi tells us there is reason to celebrate, to be happy. He wouldn't be counseling us to cheer up our hearts if he didn't first understand that the issues we would be dealing with today would weight heavily on us.

"...remember that ye are free to act for yourselves..." Nephi gives us a quick lesson on the importance of moral agency when it comes to behavior. Notice how he says we are free to act for ourselves, to choose how we behave. He makes no mention, however, of being able to choose our circumstances, environment, or passions. But many of us already know that.

"...to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of eternal life." Basically, Nephi describes the same fork in the road that Robert Frost so eloquently described. I believe that Nephi, like Poet Frost, "chose the road less traveled by," which, of course, "made all the difference" in his personal life—and encourages us to make similar choices (Robert Frost, The Road Less Traveled).

"Wherefore, my beloved brethren..." I love the words "beloved brethren." Nephi is offering us this challenge from a position of love, of compassion, of charity—that charity which is the pure love of Christ.

"...reconcile yourselves..." Every time I read this I feel as though a thunderbolt cracks. Reconcile. The very word means to find balance, to create harmony from opposing forces. When we reconcile our checkbooks we take all the credits (money in) and balance them against all the debits (money out), to hopefully create an accurate assessment upon which we can make sound financial decisions. Imagine for a moment the chaos that would surely ensue if we summed up only the credit column or just the debit column to determine our financial standing? If we ignore one column or the other we will surely create a tremendous mess for ourselves. Only by reconciling these two opposing influences will we ever achieve financial stability.

"...to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh..." Again, Nephi counsels us to behave in a manner pleasing to God, rather than the adversary, even though the choice to act either way is clearly ours to make.

"...and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved." Finally, Nephi encourages us to remember that even after all we have done to bring our own lives in sync with gospel principles, it is only through the Atonement of Jesus Christ that we, too, can attain exaltation (See Jeffrey R. Holland, "Helping Those Who Struggle with Same-Gender Attraction," Ensign, October 2007).

In short, this is what I hear Nephi saying to me, personally:

"Balance the passions in your life, John. Reconcile your feelings of same-gender attraction with your desire to follow Christ. Don't deny either part of you—because if you do you'll never be truly happy. Don't pretend, don't play games. Your work is to achieve this balance on a daily basis, then leave the rest to the Lord. So no worries. The Atonement is a powerful gift. You're in good hands."

My literary hero is Henry David Thoreau. He decided one day to quit his job, move to the country, and learn to become self sufficient—relying only on God and nature. As part of his personal two-year "experiment," he built his own house and planted his own garden in Concord, Massachusetts. He lived a largely vegetarian existence, except for the occasional fish he would catch from Walden Pond. He notes in his journal the following:

"As I came home through the woods with my string of fish, trailing my pole, it being now quite dark, I caught a glimpse of a woodchuck stealing across my path, and felt a strange thrill of savage delight, and was strongly tempted to seize and devour him raw; not that I was hungry then, except for that wildness which he represented. Once or twice, however, while I lived at the pond, I found myself ranging the woods, like a half-starved hound, with a strange abandonment, seeking some kind of venison which I might devour, and no morsel could have been too savage for me. The wildest scenes had become unaccountably familiar. I found in myself, and still find, an instinct toward a higher, or as it is named, spiritual life, as do most men, and another toward a primitive and savage one, and I reverence them both" (Walden, pp. 260-261).

One of the challenges I faced when I came back to the Church was to relearn in my mind, and allow my heart to feel once again, that there is a place for me in the Gospel. It's my place. It's my birthright, and I don't allow others to take it away from me; I don't allow misunderstanding members of the Church to tell me how "bad" or how "wrong" I am because of what I feel, or that I need to "change" in order to feel the love of the God and His guiding Spirit in my life. It's a delicate balance—but to me, finding and maintaining this daily balance is the key to loving myself and living a healthy and happy life.