Message from the Directors
April 2008
How to Help, and How Not to Help
By noinneB ffeJ
Since I've been married I've learned something again I should have already known: people are different. But one of the ways they are different is in how they like to be helped, and this I didn't fully appreciate till I was married and flu season rolled around. My wife likes to be pampered and waited upon when she isn't feeling well. She likes me to check on her frequently and hover nearby when she is heaving up the chicken soup I made for her. I, on the other hand, want simply to be left alone. I will suffer my malady in silence. I will make my own chicken soup if I want any, and if there is any heaving involved, I much prefer to do that in absolute privacy. When I am feeling better I will emerge from my darkened cave, but until then it is best for all concerned if I am simply left alone.
The problem is, when one of us is sick we each treat the other the way we want to be treated. When my wife is ill, I make sure to steer very clear of her and leave her alone. When I am sick, my wife makes sure to hover nearby and frequently check on me to make sure I don't need anything. You can see how this arrangement results in the sick person ending up frustrated and not in a very healing frame of mind, despite the best intentions of the caregiver.
It's even worse though, because the problem isn't limited to marriage but affects just about anyone I am trying to help. The longer I live, the more I am realizing that I just don't know very well how to help other people. And it's almost worse the more the person's situation is like my own, because that just blinds me to the significant differences between me and the person I am trying to help.
The Savior counseled us to "do unto others as you would have others do unto you," but this doesn't mean that I should do unto others in the same way I would like done unto me. The Savior knows how best to do this because He took upon Himself all of our weaknesses and pains, not just our sins, according to Alma:
And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people… And he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. (Alma 7:11-12)
Or as Elder Holland put it, when referring to this scripture:
When He bids us to walk in His way and by His light, it is because He has walked this way before us, and He has made it safe for our own travel here. He knows where the sharp stones and stumbling blocks lie hidden and where thorns and thistles are the most severe. He knows where the path is perilous, and He knows which way to go when the road forks and nightfall comes...To succor means "to run to."
And elsewhere, Elder Holland says:
Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, "Come unto me," He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way.
But the problem for us is, we haven't (thankfully) been through what the Savior has, so how can we help, how can we succor our neighbor, when we don't have this perfect perspective and understanding?
In another way, I think the example of the Savior can be helpful, this time when we think about the distinction between a sheepherder and a shepherd. When we herd sheep, we corral them, often using sheep dogs to nip at the heels of the sheep to keep them together. The Savior calls them "hirelings," and contrasts them with a shepherd:
The hireling... careth not for the sheep. I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine... I lay down my life for the sheep.
The sheep hear [the shepherd's] voice: and he calleth his own sheep by name, and leadeth them out. (John 10:13-15,3)
And there is our first hint, rather than using guilt or bullying or forcing people to go a certain way, we should follow the Savior's example, and lead by example, and teach eternal principles with the aid of the Holy Spirit. Our brothers and sisters will recognize the voice from our shared heavenly home and follow it. This will have a more enduring effect than trying to persuade, cajole, or criticize. We want people to feel the Spirit, and that will then motivate them to make the changes they will realize they need to make. Elder Eyring provided some invaluable advice in an address to educators when students came to them with doubts, but I think it has a much wider application. He said:
You and I can do better if we do not stay long with what our students see as the source of their doubts. We must listen long enough to show that we care, that we understand, and that we are not troubled by what troubles them. But their problem does not lie in what they think they see; it lies in what they cannot yet see. Think about that a moment. . . . Their problem does not lie in what they think they see; it lies in what they cannot yet see. And so we do best if we turn the conversation soon to the things of the heart, those changes of the heart that open spiritual eyes.
As nearly as I can tell, you cannot help someone choose to have a softer heart unless they feel that you love them. That is hard, especially if you feel a knot of anger or fear inside you as you listen to the doubts spilled out, sometimes with tears, but more often with a touch of defiance....
It is easy to see the [person] sitting in front of you not as a doubter, but as a seeker after truth. You can ignore the attitude of challenge and see instead a person who craves faith, who has seen manifestations of divine power, even if he has not recognized them, and who wants not just to believe in those powers, but to call them forth in his own life.
That is wonderful guidance to me as I am trying to help people who deal with issues of same-sex attraction, or other difficult challenges.
A final way to think of this is, instead of trying to push people in the direction of what we think is right, we should try to pull them along, in example and love. Chris Brough, in an article in the Ensign about how to help single people, gave some advice I think applies to any situation in the Church when we are trying to help people:
When someone is struggling with something, we may say that person "needs a little push." May I suggest that when referring to single adults, the expression could be changed to "needs a little pull"? These two statements seem similar but actually have different meanings.
A bishop once said to me, "What is it going to take to get you married?" On another occasion a different bishop said, "What can I do to help you in your dating?" Both bishops were concerned about my welfare, but the second bishop, rather than pushing me, indicated his desire to be a part of my life and to offer help. He helped pull me along, and he let me decide how much I wanted him to be involved. The push method often causes feelings of resistance, while the pull method most often results in feelings of validation and closeness.
The one who best exemplified the "pull" approach is the Savior. Many scripture stories illustrate this, but two stand out in my mind: the story of Matthew's call to the ministry (see Matt. 9:9–12; Luke 5:27–32) and the story of the rich man (see Luke 18:18–22). The Savior didn't just tell these people what to do; He sought to work with them. Christ went with Matthew to his home to dine and teach. He told the rich man to sell all he had and join with Him in His ministry. The Savior knew that if people would journey with Him, He could pull them in the right direction through teaching and example. Likewise, if you will journey with us and help pull us through the challenges we may face, we will be much more successful than if we are pushed.
My friends, I also believe this is what the Savior would do, and I am trying to do better follow that example. I invite you to give this some thought as well and let's pull each other along as we seek to help our brothers and sisters achieve the goal of happiness in this life, and in the life to come.
A final thought I have is one that is a help to me when I am irritated by how someone is trying to help me (maybe by pushing or forcing), is to learn to see beyond the pushing into the love and care that is behind it. That, too, is what the Savior would do.