Message from the Directors
March 2009
Discomfort Zone
Many who visit this site have had the experience of discussing their feelings of same-gender attraction with a bishop (sometimes more than one bishop). Perhaps you are one of those. Possibly, you are one who walked from his/her bishop's office feeling strengthened, uplifted, and loved, being given counsel and guidance you felt would make your life less burdened and lonely. Or you may be one who walked out feeling intensely confused, condemned—perhaps even angry. You may have been given misinformation, or your bishop may have seemed more confused and overwhelmed about the topic than you are, yourself. Unfortunately, the second scenario seems to be more common than the first—something which often makes us less inclined to share with the fathers of our wards the things of our hearts, which can make it difficult for them to know of our needs.
The second example mentioned above happens when a bishop has not been given information necessary to respond in an acceptable way to SSA members of his congregation. My husband and I have visited with young (and sometimes not-so-young) men and women who have been given the following counsel from their bishops:
- SSA is a temporary condition and will go away when the person who feels it meets the right member of the opposite sex. The member in question is counseled to earnestly seek that opposite sex person and avoid all same-sex contact, as that might tempt him or her to act on SSA impulses.
- SSA comes about through viewing pornography and indulging in masturbation. The cessation of those two habits will bring about the demise of SSA feelings.
- The best way to deal with SSA is simply not to think about it too much, read scriptures and pray often, and immerse oneself in church service. (While there is validity in the necessity of scripture study, prayer, and church service—the majority of SSA members who visit with their bishops are already doing those things with all their might, mind, and strength—they need something more.)
Reasons for visiting a bishop in regards to SSA vary. Some may have sins or habits they wish to discuss with one who holds keys of healing, who can help them find the peace and forgiveness. Some may feel lonely or out of place, or may even feel indirectly attacked or abused in their wards and wish to find help and counsel, as well as love and acceptance. There are various other reasons for meeting with a bishop, but if the bishop has not been given proper training and understanding, as has been mentioned, the visit can leave the SSA member feeling even more helpless and hopeless, rather than edified and self-confident.
In addition to an unfortunate meeting with a bishop, some SSA members might have had an experience similar to the one I had last week in Sacrament meeting. We were about ten minutes away from start-time, and I was listening to various conversations in my general vicinity... Ummm, yes, I was eavesdropping... And that cliche about eavesdroppers never hearing anything good about themselves—well, more often than not it is true. One man seated a couple of rows ahead of me turned to speak to the brother sitting directly in front of my bench. They began discussing the current controversy taking place in Utah concerning gay rights, and one said to the other (seeming to abruptly change the subject), "Have you applied for a hunting license yet this year?" The other replied in a conspiratorial whisper, "Not yet. I'm thinking of applying for an exotic animal license and going to Utah to help control the gay population that seems to be getting way out of control." The listening dear brother responded with a muffled laugh, and a mimed high-five, while whispering back, "Yeah... you got that right."
As I listened to the exchange I wondered what they would do if they knew they were discussing the calculated slaughter of sweet brothers and sisters, many of whom are dear friends of mine. I wondered if it would make any difference. And I came to the conclusion that it probably would not—because they have somehow come to the belief that it's acceptable to dehumanize a sub-group of people they do not understand, and that it is further acceptable to discuss it in God's house prior to partaking of the emblems of Christ's atonement in a meeting set apart for the sole purpose of that act. The unfortunate reality is that there are some of our brothers and sisters who believe it's okay to diminish a group of people who feel, act, or believe differently from that which is "acceptable" in mainstream Mormonism. Often this belief presents itself in bigoted, exclusive, or extreme words and behaviors which are hateful and definitely not Christlike. The member responsible for such behaviors will hide behind phrases such as "hating the sin, loving the sinner."
For a number of years my husband, Aaron, and I have been working to increase understanding and to help church members and clergy learn how their thoughtless words and lack of education have been hurting the faithful SSA community. The process has been slow, and often disregarded by those with whom we speak. However, I am known for my tenacity when it comes to something important to me. In spite of opposition and apathy, we have continued to speak out, participate in training meetings, and work quietly behind the scenes with SSA members and others who are receptive to learning more about a condition most would like to ignore. And in December our efforts were rewarded, in a way. We were approached by our Stake President who asked if we would be willing to serve as missionaries—our sole purpose would be to train church leadership in an official and public capacity, and we would be available not only within our stake, but throughout our region (and anywhere else that might request our help).
Naturally, we said yes. And we went to work right away. We contacted many people, including therapists, parents, and SSA members, asking if they would be willing to be resource people for us (we're good—but we can't do this alone!), discussed different teaching approaches, and fasted and prayed—a lot. The paperwork for the calling is a bit tricky, as this is a missionary purpose that has not been addressed before, and Aaron and I technically cannot serve as full-time missionaries (we still have children in our home), so there are many "exceptions" being applied for in the process of our calling. But we have full confidence that this is something the Lord wishes us to do—and He wants us to do it now. Naturally, our hope is that the paperwork will be finished and accepted with a minimum of complications.
Which brings me to my final thought today. Aaron and I would love your feedback before we begin approaching Church leaders with a vengeance... urr... I mean, in earnest. If you have things you feel they should know, things that might have been helpful to you as you made decisions and worked through feelings, we invite you to email those to us at dian.bretones@northstarlds.org. We would prefer that you not use this as a place to unload grievances and abuses concerning the Church, but rather as a place to give constructive and helpful feedback. Our intent is not to deliver retribution, but rather to build bridges of understanding and love, to move forward with hope, and help SSA members who wish to remain active and faithful find a haven within their home wards and stakes. We hope to hear from many of you with your ideas and suggestions (and yes, if that involves anecdotes, please briefly share those, as well).
While I understand that Aaron and I will not be able to change much that is hurtful and harmful which might take place within the walls of our places of worship, we believe this new calling is a step in the right direction. We're excited to do all we can to serve in this capacity. We ask for your support, your expertise, and your prayers as we proceed, and thank you in advance for your involvement as we begin our work.