Message from the Directors
July 2009
Clinically Single
By Ty Mansfield
I have a confession: I like being single. A lot. While I do have a testimony of the doctrine of marriage, and of the blessings that accompany an eternal sealing, I also very much enjoy the opportunities and blessings that accompany life as a single person. I enjoy them so much, in fact, that I worry my case might be clinical. So, I'm getting help with that. In the meantime, however, the Lord has been teaching me some meaningful things about the value and importance of human connection and intimacy regardless of my marital status.
One thing that has always concerned me is when people seem to equate "singleness" with "loneliness." Marriage or romantic companionship is not the answer to isolation and loneliness. There are married men and women who experience times of great loneliness and disconnection. On the other hand, there are those who are single who have rich connection and intimacy in a variety of relationships. While I do experience occasional times of loneliness, the vast majority of the time I count myself in the latter category. I feel incredibly blessed for the rich friendships and connections I experience with men and women I love—and who I know love me. These relationships are some of the greatest blessings of my life. The desire to love and be loved, as they say, is at the heart of our humanity.
Being Happy Just Being
For some reason, there seems to be a common belief in LDS culture—likely ill-connected to our understanding of the importance and eternal nature of marriage—that once one reaches marital age, happiness is supposed to cease until eternal companionship is found. In a recent fireside address, Camille Fronk Olson, Associate Professor of Ancient Scripture at BYU, told of one of her students' reactions to discovering her single status. Sister Olson didn't marry until her 50s and started teaching in the BYU College of Religion prior to meeting her husband.
"When I started teaching at BYU," she said, "I didn't talk about marital status or being single. I didn't think people wanted to take religion classes to find out about the marital status or personal life of their religion teacher. But after that first semester, a student came to me and said, 'You know, you never mentioned... I just wanted to ask you, are you married?' And I wasn't trying to hide anything, so I said, 'No, I'm not.'... And he said, 'Well, have you ever been married?' 'Well, actually, no,' I said. And he furled his brow and said, 'But you're happy! I've always been told you couldn't be happy unless you were married."
Whether or not this student was ever overtly told people can't be happy until they are married, the message seems to be often covertly implied, even if unwittingly, in the way we talk about marriage in our religious culture. And it's unfortunate. I'm of the personal conviction that happiness is something internal—a personal choice—and if one isn't happy, it's emotionally unhealthy and spiritually problematic to expect external people or things to "make" them happy. If you can't be truly happy single, you won't be truly happy married. In a revelation to the Prophet Joseph Smith, the Lord said, "In this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full" ( D&C 101:36, italics added). True joy and peace comes only in and through the sweet fruit of life in Christ—married or single. To teach or imply otherwise does a great disservice to the eternal verities of the restored gospel we preach.
Even so, we are relational creatures, and learning how to engage relationship and experience meaningful intimacy in all of our relationships is part of joyful living. In his book, The Art of Loving, German psychoanalyst Erich Fromm talks about some of the misconceptions about love that create problems in our cultivation of it. He speaks in the context of romantic connection, but the principles could be applied to other types of relationships as well. One the those misconceptions, he wrote,
"lies in the confusion between the initial experience of 'falling' in love, and the permanent state of being in love, or, as we might better say, of 'standing' in love. If two people have been strangers, as all of us are, suddenly let the wall between them break down, feel close, feel one, this moment of oneness is one of the most exhilarating, most exciting experiences in life. It is all the more wonderful and miraculous for persons who have been shut off, isolated, without love. This miracle of sudden intimacy is often facilitated if it is combined with, or initiated by, sexual attraction or consummation. However, this type of love is by its very nature, not long lasting. The two persons become well acquainted, their intimacy loses more and more its miraculous character, until their disappointments, their antagonisms, their mutual boredom kill what is left of the initial excitement. Yet, in the beginning, they do not know all this: in fact, they take the intensity of their infatuation, this being 'crazy' about each other, for proof of the intensity of their love, while it may only prove the degree of their preceding loneliness."
Even though there's a special kind of intimacy experienced in marriage relationship that is worthy of pursuit—to say nothing of it being part of the Lord's eternal plan for His sons and daughters who receive the gift of exaltation—I would suggest there may also be times when men and women pursue romantic relationship for the wrong reasons, perhaps even as the desperate response to their inability to experience healthy intimacy in other relationships. Alan McGinnis, in his book The Friendship Factor, writes that "friendship is the learning ground for all other relationships. If we can learn to be skilled at friendship, we will also be good at... building efficient teams at work, getting along with our parents, rearing our children, and staying tight with our mates." If we aren't good at friendship, we're likely not mature enough for healthy romantic relationship—and the beginning point of our true work is at once revealed to us.
Being Single in the Church
Whether we're ready and looking for marriage or not, being single in such a family-oriented Church isn't always easy. As someone who has "aged out" of the YSA ward demographic, I've felt those moments of questioning where I might make the most meaningful contribution in my ward family. And I believe strongly that Church leaders are cognizant of those difficulties and mindful of single Latter-day Saint men and women who desire to feel a place of belonging in the Church. President Howard W. Hunter said,
"The First Presidency, the Council of the Twelve, and the other leaders here at church headquarters are mindful of those who are single. We constantly pray for their happiness and well-being. We recognize that many have special challenges in their lives, and our hearts and our prayers reach out to them.
"The Church is for all members. In acknowledging the single or married state of individual Church members, we hope we are not misunderstood, for our intent is not to stereotype them. All of us, single or married, have individual identities and needs, among which is the desire to be seen as a worthwhile individual child of God.
"President Ezra Taft Benson told single members of the Church: 'We see you as a vital part of the mainstream body of the Church. We pray that the emphasis we naturally place on families will not make you feel less needed or less valuable to the Lord or to His Church. The sacred bonds of Church membership go far beyond marital status, age, or present circumstance. Your individual worth as a daughter [or son] of God transcends all' (Ensign, November 1988).
"The clarion call of the Church is for all to come unto Christ, regardless of their particular circumstances. The Book of Mormon reminds us that the Savior 'inviteth all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; [and, we might parenthetically add, single and married]...and all are alike unto God' (2 Nephi 26:33).
"This is the church of Jesus Christ, not the church of marrieds or singles or any other group or individual. The gospel we preach is the gospel of Jesus Christ, which encompasses all the saving ordinances and covenants necessary to save and exalt every individual who is willing to accept Christ and keep the commandments that he and our Father in Heaven have given" ("The Church is for All People," Ensign, June 1989).
Sheri Dew, former second counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency and current CEO of Deseret Book, likewise shared some of her reflections on being a single adult in a Church where family is everything:
"I have often been asked why I feel so comfortable as a never-married member in such a family-oriented Church.
"I do not understand this question, which implies that I would be happier if I were not a member of the Church. It also implies that happiness comes only to those whose lives are ideal, which would make, incidentally, for a very small group of happy people. So perhaps the question on some people's minds is really, How does someone in nontraditional circumstances feel a sense of belonging in The Church of Jesus Christ?
"The answer has been articulated repeatedly by President Hinckley when he has identified the three things each new member—and may I suggest each member—of the Church needs: friends, a responsibility (or meaningful opportunities to serve), and the privilege of being taught by the Spirit, or nurtured by the good word of God (see Ensign, May 1999, 108).
"As I have reflected on my experience in the Church and on the reasons I have felt so at home within this divinely inspired organization, I have concluded that it is because I have been blessed to have these three essential ingredients since the time I was young...
"If there is anywhere in the world where every one of us, regardless of our personal circumstances, should feel accepted, needed, valued, and loved, it is within our Church family. And every one of us can reach out to others and help them feel a sense of belonging" (No Doubt About It, 74-76).
My hope is that each of those reading this who are single will know that your value is inherent in who you are, not your marital status. In addition, being single doesn't mean that you have to be lonely. From experience, I know that life can be rich and fulfilling even prior to the additional rich experiences that await in marriage—whether that blessing happens on this side of the veil or the other. Sister Dew's insight is profound: whether new convert or long-time member, each of us needs the three things President Hinckley identified as important to spiritual growth in and connection to the Church and our larger Latter-day Saint community. And whether your case of singleness is passing or, like mine, perhaps even clinical, know that you have an Eternal Father who is aware of your unique gifts and talents and will use you in His work if you'll only make yourself available. And in that end, may we all, married and single alike, and together, stand firm in the faith.