Feature Article

"An High Priest of Good Things to Come"
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
Ensign, November 1999

A Personal Introduction to "An High Priest of Good Things to Come"
By Jason Lockhart*

"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."

These were words I heard at the pulpit, watching conference in my living room with my brothers and sisters and parents, probably in my pajamas, in the fall of 1999. The message, and the entire talk from which it came, "An High Priest of Good Things to Come," made an indelible impact in my struggling, 19-year-old soul.

At this point in my life, I was experiencing certain profound disappointments and fears-questioning as we all do whether my same-sex attraction would preclude certain earthly blessings—despite the fact that for what I felt like was the first time in my life, I was fully going along the correct path.

I had decided the previous year that my same-sex attraction notwithstanding, I was going to live the gospel to its fullest. What this meant to me was that I was going to prepare myself for marriage by dating girls, and that I was going to prepare myself for a mission. I had just turned 19, so I had sent my mission papers in and was, at the time of this 1999 General Conference broadcast, awaiting a response from the Brethren. I had been unfalteringly honest about my attractions in my pre-mission interviews. By the point I sat in my pajamas that morning, listening to this talk, I had awaited my call for more than a month. For obvious reasons, I had deep doubts as to whether or not I would even be called to serve.

At the same time, as a result of my decision during the previous year (my first year of college) to live the gospel to the fullest by dating and being mentally open to the possibility of future marriage, my close friend since childhood, Leslie, had become much more than just a friend. She and I had fallen romantically in love. It was amazing—I wanted to spend every minute with her, was attracted to her in ways I didn't think possible for me. I couldn't explain how it happened, but it had very unexpectedly done so, and the timing seemed wretched.

Here I was, a same-sex attracted young man preparing diligently to serve a mission—attempting to maintain worthiness, saving money, etc.—and out of nowhere, a distinct and exciting romantic/sexual connection formed between me and my best female friend (who, incidentally, had known about my attractions for years). It was at once a celebrated and yet confusing thing, and as I prepared myself to possibly depart to serve the Lord, I understood that I was also preparing myself for the distinct possibility that by the time I got home, this wonderful woman—someone for whom I felt a genuine attraction, and someone who had also been my best friend for years—might have found somebody else to be sealed to. I doubted whether or not the newly burgeoning feelings I felt for her could be duplicated with anybody else, but more than anything I ached because I really loved her, and was just trying to do the right thing. But things didn't seem to be happening in the order I would have chosen, or in the order that made sense.

Needless to say, I was profoundly confused, and wondered if I would ever enjoy the blessings of marriage or a mission. I wanted deeply to serve the Lord, but didn't know if I could. I wanted eventually to marry my beautiful girlfriend, Leslie, but didn't know if I should, nor if it would even be possible. More than anything though, I desperately wanted to do the will of He who knew my path, my situation, and my future needs.

When I heard this talk, it penetrated through the confusion I felt and spoke to my soul. I wept as I thought of my future self—a full-grown, righteous, man—30 years from that point, cheering me on, pushing me forward, and promising that there would be respite of some kind if I simply continued forward down this path I knew was right, no matter what challenges I was confronted with. A future me saying "Don't give up, boy. Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead—a lot of it..."

And even in the ensuing eight years since that day, I have found some respite. And though not every hope and dream I've had, of course, has been realized, (I still, for example, struggle with attractions to the same gender), I have had much joy as I've traveled down the path of righteousness. The mission call which I feared would never come, for example, came (after two months of anxious waiting). And the girl that I fell in love with, against all odds, was still there when I returned home and we have been happily married for nearly five-and-a-half years, and are raising a family together.

I testify in echo of this fine sermon that Christ truly is, in fact, the High Priest of Good Things to Come. He loves each of us, and knows the depths of our pain. He has sweet blessings in store for us as we live His Gospel, and while we can not control the timing of those nodal joys, we can rest assured that as we attempt imperfectly to follow His path, He will anxiously await the moment in which He can bestow upon us all that for which we righteously yearn.

* Jason Lockhart is a pen name chosen by the author. Occasionally, contributors may choose to use pen names for personal or professional reasons. In such cases, North Star will so indicate upon publication.

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