Feature Article

1st Annual Women of Worth (WoW) Conference Summary

As preface to this Women of Worth (WoW) Conference report, the North Star Executive Committee would like to reiterate that North Star was founded with the hope of fostering spiritually supportive community and of connecting people with people within a believing Latter-day Saint environment, so that individuals dealing with issues around same-sex attraction—including family members and friends—could help and support one another in living true to their faith and value systems as Latter-day Saints. It was founded not simply with the intent of being a resource unto itself, but rather of empowering individuals to create and share their own resources to help educate themselves and their family, friends, and Church leaders as they strive to become integrated more fully and lovingly into the Church community.

The Women of Worth Conference is one example of the fulfillment of that mission.

Another of the means created to accomplish this is the North Star Online Discussion Groups, one of which is specifically for spouses of men and women who experience same-sex attraction. As the women of the Spouses group discussed the dearth of helpful resources for spouses, they decided to create their own. Together, they discussed and planned and made the choice to be proactive in taking care of their own needs as spouses, volunteering to share their own experiences as presenters, as well as inviting professionals who have spent much of their careers assisting individuals and couples with similar stories.

The following is a report of the 1st Annual Women of Worth (WoW) Conference.

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On the North Star-sponsored spouses' discussion group, several women, in marriages with husbands who have same-gender attraction, mentioned that there are several weekend retreats aimed at helping men with same-gender attraction, and when their husbands had returned from these retreats, their husbands were more engaged in their marriages and more attentive to their wives' needs. At the same time, these women recognized that there weren't any retreats specifically focused on the needs of wives in these relationships. These women decided that they would make one for themselves. And thus was born the First Annual Women of Worth Conference, held in June in Salt Lake City, UT.

Our goal for the first conference was to help spouses feel like they were in an environment of trust, one where they could share their feelings and experiences and feel the support of the other attendees. We wanted them to come away from this weekend feeling stronger, with tools to help them commit to their relationships and any trials that may arise. And lastly, we wanted them to come away with a knowledge that they can have a fulfilling relationship with their spouse or boyfriend who has same sex attraction, no matter the obstacles that life brings them. As a committee, we believed it was imperative that no derogatory comments would be tolerated toward the men we were committed to, but to look at issues constructively, so all attendees agreed to follow these rules. Sixteen women attended this first conference, some of them married, and some of them either engaged or having boyfriends. All of their partners dealt with same-sex attraction.

We opened this conference with a casual dinner on Friday night to allow attendees the chance to mingle with each other and begin dialogue. Immediately following dinner, we held our opening session, "How to Have a Happy Home In Spite of or Because of SSA in Your Home." The session opened with the participants listing the positive attributes their husbands or spouses uniquely possessed because they had SSA. (They were also allowed to use stereotypical attributes as well.) This included things like them being a good dresser, neat, more musically inclined, more sensitive, liked shopping, able to talk more openly and honestly. This exercise enabled the session to begin with a very positive attitude toward those men in our lives. Of course not every husband or boyfriend fit the stereotypes, but every woman was able to name several aspects of her relationship that were improved because of her husband's same gender attraction.

This first session really set the tone for the rest of the conference. What was supposed to be an hour session ended up lasting three and a half hours. Every individual in the room opened up. Many individuals shared their stories-their disappointments and their successes-and others offered support, concern, and advice. The Spirit was undeniable in the room and each individual learned more about themselves, and their relationships, as they learned about others in the room.

The following morning we learned just how effective the first session was. It turned out that many individuals stayed up late into the night, in small groups, to talk about what they had learned, (for those that spent the night at the host location) and others talked about as they were commuting to and from the host location the night before and the following morning. Because of this opening session, we hit the ground running Saturday.

Our first session of the day was presented by David and Peggy Matheson, "Meeting Our Needs While Helping our Spouses Meet Theirs." David started this session in a more informational tone. He emphasized that both individuals in the marriage need to be whole, how we are not responsible for our partner's happiness, rather we are in charge of our own happiness, yet in our actions we can help create an atmosphere where our partners can be happy. He talked about how each of us need to be progressing individually in this life in order to keep the relationship growing. He emphasized that our spouses can't help us if they are the trigger for our problem at that moment, so we need to find our own sources for getting help. On that same line, we shouldn't be their accountability partner because that only puts us in the role of "mom." The last part of his presentation focused on his model for what SSA is and how it can develop. He talked about the emotional growth delay incurred by SSA men when it comes to relationships and that those with SSA need time to mature in that area. He gave ideas on how we can support our partners through this journey had how we need to allow them the space and time to work through this process…often with us needing to take a step back because a girl in this instance, is "just what the doctor didn't order."

Peggy continued the session with the story of their relationship and how she grew through it. She shared how she struggled with his problems and how she learned to strengthen herself and set her own boundaries. She encouraged us to use tools in our marriage to help us and our spouses grow. Some of the techniques or tools she shared with us were scripting exercises, creating our "life vision," playing the "Wouldn't it be nice if…" game in order to change our attitude, because as we change our attitude, we change how others behave toward us. She concluded her part of the session by taking us through a "Change of belief process." This process is designed to change past beliefs, vows, or promises that may have been beneficial in our past but are hurting us now.

Our second session of the morning, "The Drama Triangle" was presented by Dan Gray. He explained the drama triangle; he defined the roles of persecutor, victim and rescuer; and he described how each of us takes on different roles and different times. He encouraged us to identify what our primary role is, especially in our relationships with our partner. He helped us understand how our perception of life is skewed by what role we take on in that situation. At the end of this discussion, he provided a worksheet on how we can identify our roles and then how we can get out of these roles. He encouraged us to list our options or those things that we can be doing differently and then recognize our values and how our options need to reinforce our values. Then he reminded us that after all we can do, we need to surrender, not to the fight, but to God's will and to truth and right.

The first afternoon session was a question and answer opportunity with a men's panel. In this session, participants were able to ask questions to a husband with SSA and to a husband who does not have SSA (OSA). This session was a great success because we were able to separate those issues that are guy issues verses SSA issues and sometime neither…but rather an issue specifically related to a person's perspective. Some of the questions asked included:

• Questions to the OSA husband:
  • SSA men need to get out and be with guys, is that true for all men or is it an SSA need?
  • Who initiates the intimacy more in your relationship, you or your wife?
  • If your wife doesn't want to have sex with you at that moment, do you feel rejected?
• Questions to the SSA husband:
  • Have you found that your need to hang out with the guys and bond with them has changed over time?
  • How do we get over the fear of our husbands hanging out with the men in their support groups and how do we help them progress to friendships beyond that?
  • Have you felt comfortable finding a mentor within your Elder's Quorum?
  • Do you feel the same rejections if your wife doesn't want to have sex with you at that moment, and if she doesn't, does it trigger your SSA?
• General Questions:
  • How do you feel in your quorums?
  • If looking at porn creates intense emotions, is it okay to bring those emotions into your sexual life with your wife?
  • How can we help our men?

Our second session of the afternoon was presented by author Steven Cramer's wife, with comments added by Steven. They focused on "Personal Betrayal and the Atonement." She focused on how it is possible to overcome betrayal in your marriage, regardless of what kind of sin or issue it is. She focused on how she found peace and healing through the gospel and remarked that the time in her life that the betrayal was happening felt like another life, that they have a completely different marriage now. It hit home even harder when she shared with us that most of this took place 20 or 30 years ago and they are now celebrating their 50th anniversary.

The first point that she made is that we as spouses/girlfriends must have a sense of worth. She quoted the first line in the Relief Society motto, "We are beloved spirit daughters of God, and our lives have meaning, purpose, and direction," and she reiterated that true self worth is based on our relationship with God and Christ. She talked about Sister Beck's talk at BYU's Women's Conference this year and shared with us some of her comments. She said that we women have half the responsibility for the plan of salvation, the Priesthood is called to manage it, but we women have the responsibility to influence it. And the influence has a far greater reaching than the managing of it because we can influence generations to come through our children. Sister Cramer encouraged us to keep a journal because there may be times when we have no other to confide in and it can become your lifeline. She shared with us some advice she was given on whether or not to continue in a relationship. The advice was you should stay with and work on your marriage if it is in the best interest for your children (or potential children I'd like to add) or you should sever the marriage if the relationship is detrimental to your children. She expressed that this was her measuring stick through the rest of her trials with her husband.

She also reminded us that this is a marriage contract that we should work on, we can set boundaries, but our marriage and our working through it may be a calling we have been given by the Lord. She reminded us that we are to guard our home and it's our responsibility as mothers to have an environment with the Spirit in the home and where we can pray. On the other hand, we need to make sure that we don't become self righteous as we are working through this with our partners.

Our final session was planned as an open discussion forum with three of the spouses acting as facilitators. However, because of the openness of all of the attendees, we changed the last session to an open conversation so we could address any issue that was not completely satisfied for anyone and to see if there were other things anyone needed to talk about. The discussion, or rather more a conversation, became an extension of our first session of the conference and flowed naturally as we wrapped up any loose ends. Some of the things we talked about included how to find therapists to meet our and our partner's needs and how to find friends to help us and our partners. We talked about support for ourselves and how we can continue to help one another. We concluded the last session by discussing what we should do in the future to help ourselves, this conference, and what other tools we may need to implement or create to help ourselves, including the idea of a couple's retreat.

We had 16 attendees ranging from some who had been married for 30+ years, to those that had just become engaged. Some women had known about their husband's struggle for 25 years and others had found out about their boyfriends struggle only the week before. The range of experiences included those that had been betrayed multiple times to those that hadn't had any betrayal in their relationship yet and the severity of the betrayal ranged from nothing to text messaging inappropriate comments to looking at porn to having sex with a friend or stranger. The weekend was a huge success and we look forward the next conference next year.

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