Hi everyone! Its been such a long time since I've been in these forums. They have helped me so much in the past, that in my current position, I could only think of you guys to help me.

I don't know if any of you remember me, or anything about me, but my life has taken so many spins. I have struggled with confused feelings for the same sex for a long time, as well as that hideous and destructive addiction to pornography and self stimulation. In my efforts to better myself I have tried many things to overcome these problems. As a young man, I foolishly tried to just "stop" on my own, as a young adult I have talked to branch presidents, stake presidents, and bishops. I have faithfully served a mission - and even managed to live in abstinence the whole time.I have been in and out of relationships with amazing women. I have read many good books on the subject, studied the scriptures, said many prayers, shed many tears, and spent countless hours in deep sadness and solitude. I have seen a therapist and went through regular sessions for almost a full year. And yet, in all of my efforts, I am still the same person with the same core challenges, but even worst, the same addictions. Where has the time gone? What has come of it? I have come across lds-ssa forums when I was 20, and I am now turning 27 in a few months and I am still addicted to pornography and masturbation.

While I feel comfortable with my level of knowledge of my attraction to the same sex, the fact that I am still plagued with an addiction to pornography and masturbation deeply saddens me. I have no control over myself. I feel like this addiction will progress to near incorrigible results unless I do something drastic to stop it. Within the last few days, perhaps weeks, I feel like I want to simply give up and give in to this darkness. The only problem is that my testimony of Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father keep me from giving myself up to complete spiritual destruction. I feel so spiritually weak; thoughts on myself and my worth have become distorted and as a result, negative. I feel like I'm becoming cynical, superficial, and jaded. I am scared. I am scared of doing something stupid, of seeking out other men to act out the pornographic fantasies that have been conceived in my warped mind.

Although things are going well in my life, my spiritual life is greatly suffering. If my spiritual life is not well, it doesn't matter what achievements I have under my belt. They mean nothing to me if I can't live in peace and harmony with my God and Creator. Although this has been a pessimistic message, I still feel like there is some fight left in me. I have decided to join an LDS Addiction recovery group - but this terrifies me! I know people there, and they know me, and for some reason this keeps me back. I don't want an open forum for people with alcoholic and eating addictions to be there to hear about my struggles that (seem to me) so different. After all, I am still attending a YSA ward and feel like word travels fast... amidst my derranged thoughts, I still hope of marrying one day and raising children, and I am afraid that if word gets out, I will become a sort of outcast. How others perceive me has never been of too much importance to me, but I feel like my weakness has also consumed me with doubt and anxiety, and this fear has kept me from going to meetings when i feel so much in need of them.

What I want to know from you is if you have attended these meetings before. What should I expect from them? What will happen when I show up Wednesday night on my own? Will I have to stand in a circle and say "Hello my name is Ezekiel and I am addicted to pornography..."? Will I be working one-on-one? How long does each meeting last? How effective is the 12-Step program? How spiritual are these meetings? Will there be someone from the Stake Presidency there? Please help me be prepared for that very difficult first step - the hardest to take! I don't know what else I can do for myself and I feel like this push for righteousness is almost my last breath.

I might have been gone for a long time, but I have always remembered you with great fondness. I love you all! May the Lord bless an keep you in your struggles.

Hi
I was advised to go to the program too but i dont have time.
I ,m told I dont havde to explain why I,m there .
Also it is mostly bible study
Best of luck
Seymour

Ezek,

Great to hear from you!

I think you will do fine in a recovery group. They are all founded on the 12 Step program initially created by Alcoholics Anonymous. Even the Church program is designed around these same 12 Steps.

The nice thing is that you can participate and progress and quickly or as slowly as you feel comfortable. No one is going to force you - its really go at your own pace. But it is very helpful and this is the most successful type of program like it in the world. So by all means, please attend and benefit from this inspired program.


Take care!

Ezek your post basically epitomizes the struggles in my own life!!

I've been to the addiction recovery group, and you're right it's terrifiying! There were people there that I knew and it was fairly uncomfortable. But that really only lasts for the first couple of times you attend. Especially if you go with the right intent. If you have a close friend or family member, someone that you can confide in and that knows about your struggles, see if they will go with you. It's good to have someone there who you know and can trust. Honestly, it is a really loving and spiritual atmosphere. You can disclose as much or as little as you want about your addictions, the person who heads the discussion at the meetings lays down the ground rules every time and confidentiality is of the upmost importance and is stressed as such. You'll be given a manual with all of the steps and how to work through them. It's not going to be an easy process, but it is SO worth it if you keep to it.

I know that there is a recovery group specifically for pornography addictions that you might try and attend, if you have that option available to you. I haven't gone to one of those, I don't have that option unfortunately, but I think that I would be more comfortable in that setting because everyone there is dealing with the same issue.

I really hope that it works out for you and that you overcome everything that is such a burden and a heavy load to carry.

There is conference-line only group that meets each Tuesday at 7PM Mountain Time. This is great for those who may feel uncomfortable in a face-to-face situation where they're sitting there with members they might know.

The number is 877-453-7266
Conf. Code# is 537277

Ezek - it's great to see you again. I have wondered about you.

Here's my take on 12 step programs.

I have been to the LDS based 12 step program only once. I kept my mouth shut even though I didn't recognize anyone there. I have been suspicious of the church connection because I know how "we" in the church talk. Sorry (not really) but it's true. To me, the central utility of the 12 step program is that it is REALLY anonymous and I can't believe that there is real anonymity in a church-based program..

My brother coordinates his stake's 12 step programs. We've gone round and round about the anonymity thing. He claims it is successful and there is confidentiality I said to him - "you have a stake assignment to do this and no "real" experience with these issues and the "juiciness" of having information about someone who has them. I can't believe that if I go there on Saturday and say that I have been fondling my child or sleeping with Brother X that the proceedings for a disciplinary court won't be in the process by Sunday." "Well, that would just not happen," said he. Whatever.

I sincerely benefitted from SLAA meetings - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous - here in the community. I was, indeed, anonymous there. I never spoke - as it is not required to say anything in a meeting. I was glad that I had a few dollars to put in the hat when it was passed after the meeting, although it was not required to donate. There were a lot of smokers in the room, which was odd for me because I am typically in smoke free environments, but I got used to that. What was good about those meetings was that the people appeared to be really sincere in trying to help one another. It made me think of what a fast and testimony meeting could be if it were a more perfect world - sincere concern about people who have problems, not based on anything but trying to help themselves to be better. In those meetings I learned that my tiny issues of masturbation and porn were "drops in the bucket" compared to the burdens that so many of them were carrying. There was a bonding there.

What is interesting about those meetings is this: Several years later when I was at the end of my money and the Bishop matched me with a young (40ish) man in the ward who also was low on cash, when we went to dinner after signing a lease to live together, we realized that we had been in the same SLAA meetings. What was an awkward confession to each other over a few bites at Perkins became a bonding experience and was very helpful to us in our 2.5 years of life together. His issues were not SSA, but still there was much in common. Our shared sadness became a shared basis of strength.. God surely moves in mysterious ways.

Exek - I believe that what is happening to you and me and the rest of us is part of a divine plan. Not necessarily predestination or foreordination - but I firmly believe that we each got on board with the problems we were to have before we came here with the problems that we have. We knew what was coming - and like fools (sorry) - we agreed to this. Now it's time to work through what it means to us and, ultimately, become the men (and women) we are supposed to be.

Good to see you again, sir. I remember you. I love you in the most appropriate brotherly way - Ted