Community Voices

Discovering the Church that Changed My Life

By Cedric Phan
Montreal, Quebec, Canada

The first time I remember experiencing an attraction to someone of the same gender happened at the age of 10 when, contrary to most of the boys in my school who were checking out the girls, I found myself constantly checking out the guys. I remember having a crush on this boy in one of my classes. I purposely sought every opportunity to get near him, to talk to him, or just to get his attention. Eventually we graduated, and went on to a different school. I never saw him again after that.

In my teenager years, my attraction to other guys grew stronger and I eventually came out and lived openly gay. For years I hung out in the gay village, going to the gay parades, attending the gay movie festival, reading gay-targeted magazines, watching gay news channel, gay TV, partying and participating in almost every gay-related social gatherings I could.

When I initially came out, and found people to talk to, I felt liberated. Then, after a time, I began to feel closed in and even asphyxiated at times. I felt my life was not going anywhere during those years in the gay underworld. It failed to give me that which I needed, as none of my emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual needs was fulfilled. I eventually walked away from it, and went back into the closet again.

During the uneventful summer of 1999, I hit rock bottom with loneliness, emotional distress, physical, mental, and spiritual breakdown, to name them all. I was under a very strong impression that my life had absolutely no meaning, and felt doomed to unhappiness in this life. I thought about suicide, but was too scared to resort to it. I decided to turn to God, when there was nowhere and no one for me to go to. Mind you, I was born and raised a good Catholic. My grandma, bless her heart, taught me well the principle of prayer. So I said a heartfelt prayer asking God to give me strength to go through this dark moment of my life, and to show me the way to get myself out of this abysmal pit. Nothing really happened during the following months.

Then one evening of December 1999, as I was waiting for the train to go home, I heard beautiful renditions of some of the classic Christmas carols. I felt moved to go to where the voices were coming from. There I saw what looked like a private school choir of clean-cut young men, all dressed alike in their dark suits, white shirts, ties and name tags. I stood in front of them, cemented to the ground, listening to and being mesmerized by the harmony of their angelical voices. They were missionaries from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and one of them approached me and started talking with me. We spoke for an hour and a half on various topics. At the end of our conversation, he wrote down the address and time of their meetings. I went home that night thinking just maybe, only just maybe, meeting with them was the answer to my prayer of five months earlier. I had nothing to lose, and so I showed up on a Sunday at the address the Elder had written down.

I arrived a little bit late that Sunday afternoon. After walking in the building, all I saw was a large room (Relief Society Room), a kitchen, a gymnasium, a bathroom, two closed doors behind which I could not see whereto they would lead, but no chapel. Strange, I thought to myself. I almost left the building, but felt prompted to go to the washroom first. I went in and whom did I behold? An old classmate, who never told me he belonged to the Church, was leaning over the counter washing his hands. He looked up, our eyes met, and we shouted in exact synchronism: what are you doing here?? We chatted, and he led me downstairs through those two closed doors to the chapel. Who would have thought that a chapel was to be found in the basement! The missionary to whom I spoke that night at the train station greeted me at the chapel doors with much surprise and elation. I sat next to him during the whole first hour along with my old classmate. I felt right at home during that hour, and decided to linger for Sunday school, and Priesthood. After three good hours, I left with a strong impression that going to Church was the answer to my prayer.

I came to Church again the following three Sundays, longing to feel the sweet sense of peace I had never before experienced. I started meeting with the missionaries for the discussions, and soon realized I was in for something very serious. When the Elders asked if I would get ready to be baptized, I told them that I needed to pray about it before I could give them an answer.

I went home that night trying to figure out what to do. I wrestled with different what-if scenarios before I decided to seek counsel from Heavenly Father. The answer came, and it was clear: I must go down into the waters of baptism. My hesitation was not on whether the Church was true or not. It was more on whether I would be able to live happily as a member of the Church along with these deeply-buried feelings of same-gender attraction. With a leap of faith, I made the decision to be baptized.

The baptismal service went smoothly. I felt completely clean and renewed. Shortly after, I got called to be a stake missionary. I had a blast doing missionary work, singing at firesides, and immersing myself in the Lord’s work. This ‘honeymoon’ phase ended in the fourth year of my membership, when for the first time people were placed in my path who forced me to come to terms with my same-gender attraction. The emotional duality disturbed and eventually destroyed the peace that I had previously enjoyed. I now faced for a first time in the Church my very own demons, that which I have been successfully burying deep up until then. I was so distraught by this turn of event that I resented God for not allowing me to live my new life in His Church peacefully without having to deal with this painful issue of same-gender attraction.

The resentment against God was only short-lived as I continued to turn to Him, whom by then I had come to recognize to be my only true source of comfort and help, in prayer to know how to deal with this attraction which I could do nothing on my own to diminish or to get rid of. I remember crying almost every night coming home from work. After weeks of prayers and lots of tears shed, of pleading, bargaining, and apologizing, I began to feel prompted to turn to a few people in the Church, including members, my bishop, and an LDS therapist. I felt my burdens being gradually lifted. My hope and confidence also began to return.

It has been said many times that God works in mysterious ways. Indeed, I believe He purposely put people on my path to force me to deal with the issues of same-gender attraction when I did not want to, and to guide me to get the help needed. The outpouring of love and support I received from the LDS members with whom I have shared my burdens—combined with my acquired knowledge of the plan of salvation, of the fact that earthly challenges do affect all aspects of a person (physical, mental, sexual, financial, spiritual, psychological, etc.), my growing testimony of the restored Gospel, and my daily experience and appreciation of Christ’s atonement—has literally saved me from falling away and ceasing to live true to Christ’s teachings and the promises I have made with Him at my baptism and in the temple.

For a long time, what appeared at first to be a curse for having been given the challenges of same-gender attraction has in fact turned out to be a great source of blessing for me! Learning to understand and to cope with the issues related to same-gender attraction has been proven extremely beneficial for me. Indeed, it has enabled me to get closer to God. It has taught me to rely solely on Him at all times, in all places, and for everything. It has allowed me countless opportunities to feel and appreciate increasingly the powerful effect of Christ’s infinite atonement on my life, as I sought to repent. My relationship with Him has deepened as much as my trust in Him has grown exponentially, as a result. I am now even thankful for having been given the challenges of same-gender attraction, for they made me the person that I am today: a willing and content follower and servant of Him whose love for me surpasses any other kind of love I have long sought to obtain but could not in my life. Praises be unto Him from on high!

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