Community Voices

Never Give Up

By Thomas Garnica
Tacoma, Washington, USA

I knew I was attracted to guys around the age of 11years. From my teens and into my twenties, I was a highly depressed and confused individual. I really had no clue what the gospel was all about. I neither knew Christ nor believed in the gospel until the year I decided to read the Book of Mormon. It was in the midst of my struggles with SSA that I discovered the gospel was true. And I wanted to share it.

My mission was the only oasis of peace and comfort I found during that time period. The Lord blessed me much and it played an important part in my attitude towards the gospel and my continuance towards salvation. I was inspired by Nephi and his obedience to God, and I wanted to be just as obedient. During those two years I served the Lord, I had many sacred, spiritual experiences that made my testimony absolute. I knew from that point that God and Christ were as real any other person and that through their power and grace I would be made whole. Christ healed so many people with so many afflictions. Then why not me? The knowledge that it would happen someday lodged deep in my heart.

I was disappointed.

I expected to be healed immediately after my mission. It didn’t happen. What happened to my miracle? Maybe I wasn’t worthy after all? I began to wonder if my sins could never really be forgiven and if I was ever going to be “faithful” enough. Life after my mission turned into one big, destructive downward spiral. I started dating men, but it wasn’t what I thought it would be. There were many heartaches, a lot of confusion, and no peace. Yet I felt trapped and enslaved by addiction. I longed for the innocence of my childhood back. My sadness and depression almost lead me to take my life, but deep inside of me a faint testimony of the gospel tugged at me. I knew I had to get back, and soon! Coincidentally, my longtime boyfriend broke up with me. I decided to give up on relationships and turn back to the Lord. Being alone and at peace was a better alternative to the lifestyle I was living. I decided to do my best to live the gospel and promised God I would never give up! I would go to church and confess.

I was excommunicated. I felt all that could have helped me had been stripped from me! This was horrible! But I promised to never give up, so I wouldn't. I chose to experience excommunication as an act of love. I was released from the covenants so that I would no longer be breaking them and I still had many addictions to overcome. I was going to get a re-baptized and start fresh. I continued to attend church and functions. It took five years for me to regain membership, and in the mean time, I read books and sought counsel. There had to be someone who was a worthy member and was strong in the gospel. One day, the Especially for Youth councilors who were temporarily in the area came to visit our ward. After Church that Sunday, I gave them a ride back to their host campus. I met this wonderful young man that I felt I wanted to be like. He was so strong in the gospel, stable, and I felt he had a strong testimony. I ended up “coming out” to him. He listened patiently. It felt great to tell someone and have them not freak out. I decided I wanted to be like that man even though I struggled with SSA and he did not. It turned out later he was struggling with SSA too! I couldn't believe it! He really inspired me to be like he was—rock steady in the gospel. I wanted to be unshakable, too.

I later found support groups and have learned of others who were struggling also. I felt overjoyed that I wasn't alone in this. I continually learned of my psychological make up and thought process. My spiritual studies brought me to a better understanding of the Atonement and the love that God and the Savior have for us. I knew that I could always have Others to talk to.

When I was rebaptized, my heart was so full of the love Heavenly Father and Christ have for me, but I continued to experience SSA and identified as gay. Though I had renewed determination. In the year it took to get my temple blessings back, I felt I needed to change the way I had allowed my attractions to define my identity. I stopped identifying as gay and tried to remove or adjust the things in my life that reinforced that identity. In the years since that time, loving support from Priesthood leaders, close male friendships—some who experience SSA and some who don’t—and solidarity with other men that came through my involvement with an ice hockey team, have all forged a new way of identifying with men. I’ve stopped looking at men as potential boyfriends an see them more as my spiritual brothers.

Surprisingly, the last two years I’ve even started experiencing some romantic feelings for women. This new found attraction to females is exciting, but more than anything, I’ve learned that being faithful doesn't mean being perfect. Really, the only thing I have to promise to do is to Never Give Up! I know that as I strive to live my best and do my best, I am forgiven despite my shortcomings. I will be with my Savior, and He will give to me all the blessings He has promised. Even fully transforming my feelings of attraction to men. It used to be hard dealing with SSA in my life; it's no big deal to me now. It is not my identity. I am a son of God, entitled as much to all of His blessing as any other. It seems so simple to me now. I know that through faith I can overcome whatever obstacles stand in my way. And I know I will have my turn to be a husband and a father. What can I say? The gospel of Jesus Christ is true. And He works miracles.

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