Community Voices

Love is Always the Answer

By Kathleen Marsden
Saratoga Springs, Utah, USA

As the mother of a gay son, I pay tribute to the fine examples on North Star, you stalwart LDS folks who strive to follow the Savior and live righteous lives while also nurturing an openness to the issue of homosexuality among yourselves and your loved ones. You are the ones who will break down walls of prejudices among some members of the Church and society in general. You are amazing people, patiently awaiting Heaven's blessings for a desired change in your life, knowing that whether in this life or the next, the Lord loves you and will reward you beyond anything you can now imagine.

I am a lifelong member of the Church, grateful my testimony has never faltered. I am familiar with what it means and how it feels to walk the strait and narrow path. For me, learning to come to terms with my son's SSA changed that safe path to a potentially hazardous tightrope. I never expected to become a spiritual funambulist or tightrope walker. Until eight years ago, any balancing I had to do was concerned with how much of the world to let into our family life. When our son finally came out to us in his late twenties, even though he was still active in the Church and keeping the commandments, we were completely devastated.

Once I was able to think clearly enough to continue putting one foot in front of the other along that path to happiness, I began to help our wonderful son strive to keep his Church activity intact, and to help and support him through this great difficulty. Whether or not he could overcome his same-sex attractions, I hoped he would be able to rise above his challenge and press on in faith. A couple of years later my path began to feel like a tightrope.

After his mission, he spent several years in counseling and working with his bishop. Eventually he decided to veer off into the broad way. He has been living in a committed relationship with another man for over five years now. When he walked away, I felt like I was perched on a precarious spot, high amid air, half way through a tightrope stunt. I would surely fall off because of the heartache I felt. I was committed to the gospel of Jesus Christ and to the standards of the Church. If I leaned too much in favor of pressure regarding the principles of the gospel, I would detach myself from my son's love. On the other hand, if I defended my son's choices too vigorously, I would be in danger of losing foothold on my testimony of the gospel, or at least my ability to stand for truth and righteousness. I soon realized that leaning too far to either side would be my downfall.

Over the last five years I have learned I am able to keep a safe balance between love for my son and for the gospel of Jesus Christ and His Church. I am not required to make a choice between them. I believe the Church's role is to uphold principles of righteousness and to protect the standards of the Church. I believe a parent's role is to teach those principles and then to love and accept their children regardless of the paths they take. Agency allows each of us to choose our way, even onto the wide and wandering path. Gaining experience along that wayward way often leads to a return to the strait and narrow. I need not topple off either side of the tightrope because the gospel of Jesus Christ is in perfect balance. It teaches that I am to love the commandments of God and I am to love my son without condition. The two sides are not mutually exclusive. I have learned the burden I carry has been made light through the Savior. I trust in His power for good. Though justice must be met, it will be balanced by the Lord's boundless mercy. I leave this most difficult problem in His most capable hands because His most omniscient mind knows my son's heart.

Parents act differently when confronted with a child's agency. I believe all too many of us think we can't be happy unless our children are leading exemplary lives. So many of our SSA children are living good and clean lives. Some of them are not. For those of us whose children have decided to live in gay relationships, we may come off as desperate or that we extend limited acceptance of them as children of God. We may feel compelled to harp on our gay child that he or she must change their life. I have no experience dealing with SSA in a teenage boy. My own son is well into his thirties now. He knows what we believe and he knows we love him. He doesn't require reminders of those facts. These days my greatest concern is knowing how to best accept my son's life choices and yet not to 'enable' him in any way. I believe this balancing act will resurface throughout my life. I know the Lord will guide me. Each parent must choose for himself how to accomplish that feat with the Lord's help.

President Gordon B. Hinckley always said, "It will all work out." If we could learn to look at the big picture, perhaps we could see that the prophet's simple statement is more true than we now believe, given the Atonement and infinite love of our Savior for all of us. We can learn to be joyful now, to develop happy relationships with our gay children, even fostering fun, frolic, and humor regarding their particular situations. We need to live in the NOW and never waste time brooding or wallowing in pity or sadness. Finding proper balance between love for true gospel doctrine and love for my son has caused the tightrope to fall and the strait and narrow path to return. Beyond that, learning more about love has made it possible for me to soar like on the wings of an eagle. As a favorite song declares, "Love lifts us up where we belong." Of course I would never have chosen this life for my son, but I am so grateful for what I have learned along the path, the most important truth being that love is always the answer.

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