Community Voices
My Letter to Those Struggling with Doubt
By Charles Mitchell*Idaho, USA
I had a colleague ask me to write a letter to someone who was struggling with their testimony and with their homosexual feelings. I sent them the following:
Dear _________________,
I have been trying to think of what I might write to help you the most. You are probably wondering what I mean by that. You don’t know me, but we share one of the same life experiences; we are both attracted to those of our same gender.
I think one of the most important things I learned in this journey was that I wasn’t alone in my struggle. You aren’t either; there are people who have homosexual attractions and are living the Gospel, completely and happily. I know sometimes our feelings and our beliefs sometimes seem to collide, but they don’t—though our actions and the Gospel sometimes do. It’s not a sin to have gay feelings, but it is to act on them. I remember a time in my life when my path and the Gospel’s were, in the future, going to have to split because—as they say in Hollywood divorces—of “irreconcilable differences.” On a few occasions my prayers to Heavenly Father were something to this effect: “Leave me alone, God. I’m tired of being your lab rat.” I also wondered what I had done in the premortal existence that ticked God off. I had many questions and few answers.
I didn’t really come to terms with my attractions until after my mission. I knew of my feelings much earlier, of course. When I was given my Patriarchal Blessing at the age of 14, the Patriarch used the phrase “this love which you have for man.” Needless to say I was freaking out at that point, though he didn’t seem to notice. And when the official typed document came, it stated, “this love which you have for people.” I remember being horribly good: reading the scriptures, fasting, and pleading through pray many, many, many, times over, making promises to get the Lord to rid me of these deplorable feelings. The much desired relief seemed out of grasp. God seemed silent, stoic, and distant on the issue. I felt terribly alone.
One day, while sitting in a fireside, the speaker said something that clicked: you don’t have to earn God’s love. I don’t know why that resonated with me so well. I am guessing it had to do with I always felt I wasn’t ever doing enough for Him, enough to get Him to notice and love me. In that moment in the fireside, however, I was filled with God’s love. It began a change, a necessary change in heart. I am not going to pretend or falsely portray that I had this instantaneous change, but it has happened, though, over time, and I no longer feel the shame and discouragement that once ruled my life.
Mine isn’t the only story of successfully living the Gospel. A friend of mine and some parents of someone else who was attracted to men have written a book, In Quiet Desperation. In it they share their personal struggles surrounding the issue. My story is that we aren’t broken, and what I mean is that having the feelings isn’t inherently wrong; acting on them is and dwelling on them leads to acting on them.
This next part I share not as a "look-how-good-I-am," for I am far from perfect, but as an example of what can be. Currently I am a worthy temple recommend holder. I am active in the Church and have a strong testimony of the Gospel. I have been called to be the Elder’s Quorum President in my ward (and still feel it awkward when they call me President). I have served in many other positions in the Church. Why do I share this? To show it is possible to have these feelings and serve in all positions in the Church. I have been blessed to be able to get married (I am not saying it is going to happen to all with this struggle, nor should marriage be viewed as a cure) and sealed to my beautiful wife in the temple. I haven’t ever acted out with another man; yes, it is possible and YES, it is worth it.
I find it odd that people call the Church hateful and bigoted and all sorts of other names for its stance, while on the other side of the fence they are guilty of the same offenses. The Church has laid out the warning. I’ll compare it to a part of a body of water with a whirlpool in it that can suck you down to your death. The Gospel/Church have put up a sign, saying, “Warning! Whirlpool, no swimming.” Our acting on our impulses leads to spiritual death; just as the whirlpool can lead to physical death in this example. So the opponents of the Gospel are shouting and yelling at the sign and calling it unfair, hateful, whirlpool-phobic etc. Many continue to swim near the whirlpool and feel the great rush of feelings that can accompany such an experience. Yet unlike a whirlpool which can quickly suck an individual under, this whirlpool pulls them gradually under until they have experienced a deeper level of spiritual death (separation from God). God and the Gospel say that’s the way it is and all the protesting, parades, and other displays of disapproval of the Gospel tenant are useless; God isn’t a God of popular vote. God’s decree is to protect us and bring us the greatest form of joy possible.
I can imagine that there are people telling you right now that the only way to find peace and happiness is to embrace your sexuality and act on those feelings to pursue homosexual relationships. I am not going to be as asinine as to say there will only be heartache and sorrow in pursuing homosexual relationships. There will be periods of happiness and it will feel good. It won’t and can’t, however, compare to the joy that living the Gospel of Jesus Christ, in its fullness, can bring. Homosexual relationships can’t last into the next life; they can’t bring a fullness of joy.
I once thought that I couldn’t ever be where I am. I heard the horror stories of men who would leave their wife and family to pursue a gay lover. People also told me it wouldn’t work, that at some point I would leave my family and wife to go to that life. Right now that isn’t going to happen, and it won’t as I continue on the Gospel path I and my family are on. I am sure if I dwelt on living in a homosexual relationship, and desired for it like the children of Israel did for the Egyptian “fleshpots,” I would fall. But that which was once consumed me is no longer that important. So, I am attracted to men. So what? I’m not going to let that define who I am, nor determine the direction my life will take. There is a phrase that says “You can’t see the forest because of the tree.” I struggled and it affected my whole outlook on life because for a time I couldn’t see past the tree to see my entire life; the whole me. My wife knows of my attractions and has since we decided to start dating seriously. We have our ups and downs like any other marriage, but it works.
I am sure that you have and sometimes continue to feel that gnawing emptiness, that longing, that loneliness in your life. Again, been there, done that, burned the t-shirt. That longing can be filled in non-sexual ways—Lord-approved ways. It can happen and does happen daily. I know people who have lived in homosexual relationships for years, even decades, and they have returned to the Gospel. Most have expressed sorrow for ever having to have left; they say they “settled”, but couldn’t ever find true peace. On the opposite end of the spectrum I know of others, similar to me, who haven’t ever acted on their homosexual feelings.
When I hear of people saying, or implying, that living the Gospel, having same-sex attraction, and staying true to the Gospel of Jesus Christ can’t happen, I am saddened. I wish I could say/do more to share my story and my life with others to educate them. However, because of the “tolerant” atmosphere, created from intolerant members of the Church/Community and those who champion ideas contrary to the Gospel (who are often equally intolerant and spiteful), I work quietly, softening that intolerance a little at a time; educating individuals where I can. When uninformed comments about people like us are said, I’ll say “Wow, I am sure that someone with those feelings really wants to join the Church and live the gospel now.”
I am going to share with you a very personal experience I had, I believe I had it to share for occasions just like this. To give you a little background, I had just attended a conference where I met some other people with same-sex attraction. I am cutting and pasting it in, it is some kind of hybrid between a letter and a journal entry:
I am writing this first on paper so I will not forget my thoughts. I was pondering over meeting you (who struggle with same-sex attraction), the question "Why?" just kept ringing through my mind. Why do we struggle with same-sex attraction? My mind then wandered to another "Why" question. "Why must the good die?" An answer in part came, and I wanted to share with you the stirrings of the spirit within my heart.
Before Christ died many of the great and noble ones had died; many righteous, good souls. After he died, but before his resurrection, Christ went to the spirit world to organize the spirits to preach the gospel to those who rejected him in the flesh. ( D&C 138:18-31) Then my heart was carried to you. "Why, why must these, my friends suffer?" My heart ached as I thought of the struggles each of you are going through, BUT THE SPIRIT FAILED ME NOT.
I saw many of those whom I have met, and I was taught by the Spirit. He said to my heart, "Look!" and I looked and I felt of your suffering, your trials, your afflictions. Again I asked "Why?" The spirit then said to my heart that we must learn obedience as Christ did, even through the things which we suffer ( Heb 5:8).
The Lord is preparing an army, one that will rebuke the damned (those who quit repenting and trying to live righteous lives) of their sins. He will not stand alone in saying "yes, it can and will be overcome." Our testimonies will stem the tide of lies and deceit that are presently overtaking the earth.
At one point in my life I have said, "I am tired of hearing I am a choice son of God. Knowing that means nothing, it answers nothing." I’m going to be a little forward,
I don't care if you feel that way. The truth remains each and every one of you is a son of God, We fall, yes. We falter, yes. Our faith weakens and wanes at times YES! BUT, that changes nothing of the reality of it. We make mistakes—that is a part of the plan. If we didn't would we need a Savior? Would we learn through the things which we suffer?
It is my testimony that God is the great Teacher. God doesn't punish us. Christ came not "into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." ( John 3:17) We punish ourselves and bring the weight of justice down upon our own heads. But, Christ is there to save us. He is our Savior. He is there to return us to our Father and our original worth. He is our Redeemer. What is our original worth? We are the sons of a King and a God; that is our original worth. We are called as the Beloved Son of God to drink our cups to the dregs. (The very bottom of the cup where the bits and pieces of grapes (the dregs) used to make the wine settle.)
I know that it's not easy and many times we despair and give up hope because of our actions, but we must try again. Those who suffer spiritual death are people who have quit trying and in essence have damned themselves.
We live in a time of misunderstanding—of MANY things, but we also live in the time of the fullness of the Gospel. Where we can know the "truth of all things" ( Moroni 10:5). Sometimes we are told, others we must experience so we may say at the last day, "I know my Savior because of the things I have suffered." Just as the struggle make us closer as mortals, it makes us closer to Christ & God, if we choose to allow it, because they KNOW also what we are going through; he’s felt the feelings ( Alma 7:11-13).
This morning I have great reason to glory in my weakness, for it has made me strong (2 Cor. 12:7-10) It has kept me closer and more reliant on my Savior, just as the Lamanites kept the Nephites righteous (or brought them back to righteousness) and caused them to turn to the Author and Finisher of their faith.
My friend, I feel God's love for you. I finally understand, at least in part, the whole role of suffering and homosexual feelings play in our lives. I know life is difficult, I know personally that it holds many challenges. But, I also feel and know the reward is worth it. We are God's sons. We are his army. Yes, we will stumble and fall . . . many times over and over. BIG DEAL . . . our challenge is to get back up and try again. We are children trying to learn to walk. God IS helping us. Many times we fall and ask, "Why God, why?" I have felt this many times. But the answer is one we sometimes don't want to hear.
"So, you can grow up to be like me."
"But, WHY? Why can we not just instantly run?"
"Because my child, you would not grow like you NEED to. Your bones and muscles need to develop, and struggle makes the final goal of much more value."
"But it HURTS and I hate myself because I can't do it like I want to."
"Yes, I know the purifying potential of pain, and the eternal value of patience and persistence."
"But . . . but . . ."
"Be still my child and know that I am God. I have experienced and suffered all."
I know there will be times we won't know what to do, but God will take us by the hand and lead us to the rod of iron, the tree of life, and heal us. God be praised for his wonderful plan. I am grateful for the Alpha and Omega, the one who is the beginner of the peace in our lives and one who one day will bring an end to our suffering ( Rev. 21:4). Jesus is the Christ, the Holy one of Israel. He will save us, I know and one day I will kneel at his feet and bathe them with my tears. And for once not a one of them will be a tear of pain, but tears of gratitude and joy. I love our Heavenly Father. Christ showed us exactly what he would have done had he been here and had there been any other way he would have done it. God lives, God Loves and so does his Son. This is my testimony—it is true.
I have one thought before I close this letter here it is:
"Unfortunately, unlike Nephi, many of us just don't trust the Savior. We believe in him, but we don't trust him. We get so frightened and intimidated, so horrified by our own imperfections that we don't see how he can possibly save us from them, and we lose faith. But if these great prophets had a healthy sense of their own sins and shortcomings, and yet could still confidently maintain that they had a place in the kingdom of God, should we not learn from their examples of trust and confidence —their examples of faith?
"Besides fear of one's own imperfection, there are other reasons why some people cannot trust the Savior. Many people fear that if the commit themselves to him and try to live the gospel loyally and faithfully, they will miss something important that the world has to offer. Often they fear that a total commitment to Christ and the Church would mean being exploited or being left unfulfilled emotionally, intellectually, or physically. There are those who want the Church in their lives but are afraid of a full embrace. The bottom line for all such is the same —even though they may believe in him, they do not trust him. They do not yet have genuine faith in Christ" (Stephen E. Robinson, Believing Christ, 23)
Faith in Christ will not leave us wanting or unrewarded from an eternal perspective.
Your friend,
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